There's a Fence Blocking Me

This is one of many pictures that I did not take.
I was driving on a freeway and didn't feel like
it would be very safe to take my attention off the road,
but wanted so badly a picture of the Utah
mountains that I said to my awesome cousin,
"Would you please take some pictures for me?"
And she did.
And I'm glad.

Because it looks like I'm having my annual
(maybe bi-annual or quarterly)
mental freak out.
This time it's my identity.
Well, my future identity.
Who will I be?
What will I do?
Why can't I get it together and keep up the house?

I have a daughter leaving in June to start college.
(That's what prompted the Utah trip-checking out things.)
I have a baby who'll be in school full time in September.
I have a husband who is very involved in lots of things, but still likes some attention.
I have two other tender hearted kids who have their own special needs.
(And I don't mean they are special needs kids, I mean they each have things they are dealing with - that, as a mom, I get the divine priveledge of helping them work through.)

I finished college.
I chose not to have a career.
I (really, we) chose to start our family young.
I (we) worked hard to get my mr. through school.
I told myself that I'd "go for it" when the kids were older.
But now I am wondering how much older.
I worry about how we'll make it,
even though I know it always works out.

And I feel like there is something wonderful hiding behind a fence,
waiting for me to get through to it.
I would really like to know what it is.

My hand on the wheel of an awesome rental car with my dad's hat on the dash.


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